Post-menopausal late mid-life "pregnancy"

The last six months have been a whirlwind of activites, life changes, relational changes, educational "reginnings" (starting agains), and basically having my liferug pulled out from under me on practically a daily basis. I've been trying to keep my eyes on Christ (Hebrews 12:1-2) and have been asking Him for wisdom and discernment, because I want with everything in me to learn the lessons I know He has for me in this classroom of chaos and confusion.

I have cried more in the last six months than I have probably in the last six years combined, and then some. I have a tile that I purchased a few months ago with a crucible on it, and sometimes I just sit in my room and hold it in my hands while I pray, or just quietly weep, trying to make sense of it all.

In an odd way, I feel as though I'm life pregnant. It seems like God has something in the works for me, something big, really big, but I have NO idea what it is just now. So I wait, and wait, as He grows and develops me and His plans for me. Days like today I ache inside, with the negatives of hurt and despair, but also with a sense of curiousity and anticipation. Call me crazy (trust me, you wouldn't be the first, and I'm sure not the last), but I feel like I'm on the horizon of some new birth in my life. So stay turned...