The Wall of If Onlys

Jeremiah 29:11-14 For I know what I have planned for you,’ says the Lord. ‘I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope. When you call out to me and come to me in prayer, I will hear your prayers. When you seek me in prayer and worship, you will find me available to you. If you seek me with all your heart and soul, I will make myself available to you,’ says the Lord.


I smash my fists against the Wall of “If Onlys”
The bricks of
… If only I had made this decision
… If only I hadn’t made that
… If only this hadn’t happened to me
… If only that had
… If only I didn’t have this in my life
… If only I did have this
… If only I had walked away
… If only I had chosen to

If only… If only… If only
Until my flesh is raw and bloody
And my head is bruised and bleeding
My body slumped and crumbled
Sobbing, brokenhearted
Gasping for breath as you only can when
Hope has been strangled by If Only
Like a dead dream tossed without a thought in some corner

The warmth of His presence
Awakens me, like Lazarus rising from the tomb
Except…
I scream ‘JESUS!!!!!”
How could You?
How could You let these things happen to me?
How could You stand by and heartlessly do NOTHING?!?!?!?
How could You let me down? Abandon me? Not care?
He gathers me up in His arms
Gently and tenderly, a bruised and tender rag doll
As if I were the most precious thing on earth

I sob as He rocks me slowly in Those arms of strength
“It’s not fair,”, I whimper, “I didn’t deserve this…”
He reaches for me, and I see His nail-pierced hand
Remembering, I am silent… my heart knows He knows my pain… He understands

“I love you with an everlasting love”, He whispers tenderly
“Someday all will be revealed, but for now I need you to have faith,
I need you to trust Me, to believe that I am working it all out for you
Even when it seems to make no sense – that I have a plan
Even when it seems to go against everything your eyes can see
And your mind can comprehend

He wipes away my tears
And collects each one like a precious jewel
His love surrounds… no, encompasses me
I bury my head in His chest, and breath… perhaps for the first time ever…
The sweetness of His righteousness fragrant and heady
And I choose Him… I choose to believe
In the safety of His arms
In the bizarre logic of belief in what I cannot see or comprehend
I rest… and find my peace
I focus on Christ, and on the blessings
As the Wall of What Ifs comes crumbing down